I woke up this morning earlier than normal. I had just had two dreams back to back about finding a new man. One dream focused on not giving up on what I want him to be and the second one showed me not to settle for anything less than what I think he should be. Upon waking up, I couldn't help but lay there and recollect what I had just felt and experienced through my dreamscape. My first thought was, "Ah, yeah. I'm not going to go this long without a soul mate only to come out on the other side with a roomate."
You see, 4 months after Don died, on a very rainy day, driving back home from taking the kids to school, on of all streets, Church Street, I specifically heard God tell me, "You will marry again. He will be beautiful, just as Don was beautiful. You will love him more than you ever thought you could love someone and he will be there for your children." Um, WOW. Damn straight I went and recorded that down for posterity! It was a moment that was so clear. I knew I was receiving a gift of hope to hold onto. And yet, even though I was so completely heart broken over losing Don, I instantly believed what I was told. Sure, there was a hint of doubt, simply because Don completed me and I had known for our entire marriage that he was a rare breed of man; perfectly crafted for my crazy ass self. So, the idea of there actually being another human that could fill that spot seemed a little outlandish. But, nonetheless, I could feel the certainty in what I had just been told, so I went with it.
Now, let's fast forward 7 years, shall we.
WHAT. THE. FLIP. SKIP ?
Where in the hell is this man? Not only hasn't he shown up, I haven't even had a sighting. I mean, seriously, God, did you forget where you hid him? Or did he die, too? Maybe he's a sea captain and his ship hasn't come in, yet? Whatever the case, that man is no where to be found. I'm starting to get worried about him. I hope he's ok. He must just be taking the scenic route. It's always nice to see the sights along the way...but I wish he'd grab his pics and hustle his bustle!
My mind knows that he is worth the wait and my heart feels that he is out there. It's just hard to wait when you miss being yoked. I loved being married. I loved everything about it. To do life with someone, is simply serendipitous. It's value is priceless. We were not created to be alone. I miss holding hands with someone as we walk through the mall together, or nestling into the shoulders of another. To be honest, I miss human touch, altogether. It's been 7 years since I've had a soft touch on the back of my neck letting me know I matter. And can I tell you how much I crave a good snuggle? I would, literally, die for a back rub. Oh, how I long to be desired and once again, feel my femininity. And don't even get me started on the more intimate things that I have been devoid of. What I wouldn't give to wake up in the arms of my lover. Dear LORD, help a sista out!
And here's the thing...you can't rush it, force it or construct it. Not if you want the beauty of a true soul mate. I've tried the dating sites...no luck. In fact, I will be so bold to say, that at my age, they are a complete joke, filled with lies, outdated pictures, and catfishes. Ain't nobody got time for that! So, I will wait. I will wait for him. I will wait on the perfect timing of the deliverance of my exquisite gift, just as I did before Don arrived. And when I get lonely, which I do, I will hold on tight to the promise that I was given all those years ago. Because I don't just want some one, I want THE one. And if I have to wait until the end of my days for him, then I shall because I know that he, too, is waiting for me and that our convergence will be nothing less than perfect beauty.
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine."
Song of Solomon 1:2
”Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.”
P.S. But, hey, if you're reading this and you think that's you, hit me up for my digits!